News from around the globe

Hey all,

Well, I was going to focus on local issues today – maybe talk about last night’s fight. What a stunner! I never guessed half a dozen kittens would be able to defeat a Canadian Lumberjack/Gladiator in close combat, let alone actually separate the poor beast’s head from it’s plaid-clothed body. I lost some money on that one. I think most of the credit should go to the kittens’ trainer. They said it couldn’t be done: training cats to smoke PCP. He showed us!

Anyway, I’m not going to talk much about here today. A postman arrived in town earlier with news of goings on in the outside world. In case you missed it, here’s what he had to say before he was burned at the stake due to King The Donald's suspicion that the postman was a spy from KevinCostneristan (formerly: Indiana).


News from around the globe

Paris: Residents protesting the city’s seizure by a marauding pack of Land Orcas were eaten by a marauding pack of Land Orcas.

London: Rise of second empire going well. Gin supplies solid. Tonic supplies also solid. Navy intact. Slaves bummed out.

Tokyo: State-of-the-art, rickshaw-based public transit system was shamed when rickshaw arrived at its destination 12 seconds late. Driver later took his own life. Reason: schoolgirl panty supply dangerously low.

News from other parts of the Federated Territories of Americaland

LA: Everyone still alive is still a douche bag like always.

Chicago: Every day for last month has been attacked by giant ALFs.

Boston: Is still determined to ride out The After Times in a manner at least as stylish and sophisticated as New York. When they heard Manhattan had been soaked by turpentine rains, Boston officials hastily sprayed their city’s buildings with turpentine.

Canada: Population culling efforts going smoothly.

And that's all we know for now.

Try not to die,

Nonymous